a 1 in 6 chance at everything.

I. i didn't love you and you didn't love
you loved me, but you never told
i loved you, but i never said.
then i loved you, but you didn't love me.
you
loved
her.
i loved you,
and she loved you,
and you loved her.
And i love her.
i'll let you love her now.

II. I am the girl you look at
who you smile at
who you wave at
i am the girl everyone thought was perfectly happy.
a bit of normalcy amongst my odd friends
a break from the
black
and the bruises
and the blood.
i am the girl
but not the girl you knew
i am not the girl who was perfectly happy
i am the girl who was an impecable actress.

it's not a mask.
i don't need a mask to fool
everyone else, when i've
already fooled myself.


III. baffled and corrected
deciphered and destroyed
examined and failed
grabbed and hated
ingored and insinuated
jaded and liberated
manipulated and nauseated
ostracized and petrified
reducated and remediated
suffocated and transformed
underrated and vindicated
weathered and watched
young, and excommunicated.

IV.
I wish for the disease i've been taught to fear
i listen to the voices i'm told i'm not supposed to hear

i sharpen my nails against my skin
and wonder what a mess i've gotten myself in

i grab at my excess
and pray for sweet sucess

i hold onto my breath
and let time do the rest

V. i've drawn my lines
i built my walls
i burned my bridges
i stopped my voice
i've kept them out

i've hurt myself
i've torn at my skin
i've wrapped my fingers around my neck
i've stuffed myself full
i don't feel the other pain

i've written my memoirs
i've told my stories
i've cried my tears
i've changed my mind
but my memoirs are written in blood

i've ended my second chances
i've told you how i did not feel
i've told them what i did not know
i've asked for things i did not want
because i didn't deserve second chances to begin with

VI. there are some things i ought to say
i ought to tell him that song was for him
tell them who i really am
tell the tricks i've got up my sleeve
tell them that i worry
tell them i'm sorry i didn't fit in
tell them i care a hell of a lot more than it looks
tell them why i did that
tell her how much she's meant to me
tell her why i had to leave
tell her why i didn't tell her
tell him that i hate him more than words can say
tell them i want to take their bottles and throw them on the ground
tell him that i miss him
tell her that i miss her
tell him that i miss the way it used to feel
tell him i hate the way it feels now
tell them i regret what i did
tell that i'm only quet becayse i'm afraid of hate
tell them i'm only afraid of hate because i already hate myself enough
tell them that i don't need their pity, even when i ask for it
tell her that i don't want to, but i will any way
tell him that i'm trying, but i can't do it
tell them that i won't be able to do anything, ever again.
tell them
tell her
tell him
tell me
and tell you.
i ought to tell.