chronicles of an alchoholic

I. I was almost out
Out of the darkness
Out of the hole
But like every time I start to feel better
You grab me
You hold me
And you pull me back down

II. I want you to know
I want to tell you
I want to scream at you
At the top of my lungs
I want to scream
About how I hate you
How you need to change
How I am constantly surprised by your ability to drink
How you’ve made my life hell,
And not even realized it.

III. I want silently creep,
In the middle of the night
Out to our garage
I want to crash the car you shouldn’t be able to drive
I want to unplug the dingy fridge from it’s socket,
And let your frozen heart thaw out for once
I want to smash every single one of the bottles
See the pieces scatter, shatter like me,
Every time you take a sip
I want to drag the glass across my skin
So you know what happens when you do something stupid.
People get hurt.

IV. Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me
Not yell
Profanities, white noise, against dark ears
Not sulk
Your Hippocratic teachings making my head spin
And not
Not
Never
Remain silent
A cold-edged silence that doesn’t let me in
I knock on the door that leads to forgiveness,
But I merely get eyes,
Staring at me through the window panes,
Expecting,
When I have nothing to give

V. You’d think it would be easier than this
To watch
To observe
To ignore
The senseless suicide of a soul crying out for help
It should be easier
It’s not happening to me, after all.
It’s not my fault
I can’t stop it
It should be easy
I shouldn’t feel this regret
But my body feeds on it
I should be able to breathe
But I’m choking on the words I can’t bring myself to say
I should be like you
But I’m not.

VI. So what is this, I ask?
A requiem, of a broken soul?
A eulogy, for time lost?
The last will and testament of a failing liver?
Of a failing heart?
A prayer, for a new beginning?
But beginnings are never knew
They only relapse
A hope, that perhaps the light will return to your eyes?
But when all I have are broken matches,
What is the use of hope?
If it is not a requiem, that would require remorse,
If it is not a beginning, that would require starting over
Then what is this?
Perhaps they are but only my thoughts.

Mothers
Fathers
Sisters
Brothers

Children.

And for what?

Birthing sons,
To be put into graves
That cry out from holy spaces,
“Where is the comrade, I left behind?”

mothers, dress your baby boys
in patterns, striped, and shimmering solids.
Dressing them every morning,
Teaching them to dress themselves in the black dust of expectation.
What’s the matter,
When we are merely dressing them up in angels wings?

Not yet.
But soon, they will be left.

Left in hospital beds,
Told,
There’s nothing more we can do.

Left, in the hands of the deep black creature
That swallows many, and breathes fire for the glory
Never to be remembered
Never to be forgotten
Pieces of who we are,
Who we used to be.
Left scarred and broken,
Left reminding yourself every day of only one thing
Being left

The clatter of scrip still ringing in your aching fingers.

this is not my eleventh song

i miss you
i miss your...everything

i miss that time
when i could look at you
and only see
your
angel
wings

i miss those nights
we spent
under the crescent moon

and i
i miss your
i love you
and i'll
see
you
soon

but the clock just keeps on turning
and the world just keeps on burning
in
my
head
and i know my head is reeling
and i can't help what i'm feeling
and i
can't
make it
end

it's like heaving it all, then losing it all
it's like taking chances, then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders
its
blue clouds on a sunny day
its
never saying what you want to say
its
never knowing
where i'm going
without you to lead me

i miss you
but i'm so confused
like
where did you go,
on that
rainy afternoon?

i miss you
and the way we used to be
i miss your eyes
when it
didn't hurt you
to look at me

and i know i'm not that young, now
and i made it through it somehow
and figured out what life was supposed to be
and i know that life changes fast
and i know i can't change the past
but, honey,
would you change for me?

it's like having it all,
then losing it all
it's like taking chances,
then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders.
it's
blue clouds, on a sunny day
and
never saying what you wanna say
it's never knowing
where you're going
without you to lead me

tell me, honey, why did you, just give up?
was it that you didn't love me enough?
i'm missing you, though i see you every day
i'm missing the man, that time took away

and there's a moment
when your eyes meet mine
that i know you're prepared
to leave everything behind

it's having it all,
then losing it all
it's taking chances,
then taking the long, long fall
it's the weight of the world, upon my bare shoulders
it's rain clouds, on my sunny day
it's the time that got away
it's never knowing
where i need to be going
because, you won't lead me.
because you don't need me