Innerkriege & Giochi Capi:

In the heart of mistakes and reinvention,

I find you

I whisper a silent confession

As I make my exit, into the flurry

Your face, haunting, in my back vision

Shred of condensation

Trickles on my cheek

Down my mask

Impairments

His hand is silver,

Cast in black glove

His skin is ivory

Cast in iron lies

I can’t remember what it felt like

To live without fear

I can’t even remember what it felt like

To be held dear

And I hear the music

And it whispers in my ear,

We dance a silver waltz of murder,

As the end of lives draw near

You were everything I ever needed

He was everything you’d ever feared

I did all you ever warned me not

The lights of the ballroom swirl around me

The happy dearests dance about me

A flash of your face,

A flash of his

And I don’t try to hold on

Though I see your face,

As I plunge to the floor,

It is only his when I awake

The music silenced,

The sanity questioned,

The room halted

The air loosened

He helps me to my feet,

Lead me to the gazebo,

Amongst shining candle lights

And broken promises

For a moment, he holds me

For a moment, the music is in our heads,

And we are waltzing to the time of our broken hearts

He smiles

As I lean on him

And he leans on me

His hand leaves the small of my back

And for a moment, I do not know why

The next moment, I know full well

And it is far too late

Dark prince in glittering shadows

Slit my throat with silver dagger

Look me in the eye, and tell me you do not love me

Look me in the face, and tell me this is not your fault

But he does not

He continues to smile,

Kneels by my broken body,

And whispers, once, in a tongue too sweet

Onda arrivederci, bella princessa

In a moment, your eyes are gone,

The music silent, forever,

And I hear your footsteps.

The only true knight in shining armor,

The sole true love, that was not love

That was not for lust, nor bloodlust

But for companionship, and place to call one’s home

you sit beside me, now,

and you hold my hand

I wipe your tears,

As you tell me to hold on

I tell you, no

Wounds don’t heal on their own

You won’t wish me farewell,

As my heartbeat slows

Vergessen sie mich nicht

I plead, as I cough through torture in transformation

Your voice is the last thing I hear,

Before leaving forever,

Whispering softly

Nie.

who am i?

who am i?
you ask me
a million things come to mind
i am my mother's daughter,
my brother's sister,
and a friend to all my friends
i am a dreamer, in a wide-awake world
i am a juggler, not of flaming torches,
but of family, friends, and classes
i am a girl stuck in the middle
and i make my fair share of mistakes
i am a reader
a believer
a singer
a song
i am an organized mess
a pessimistic optimist
i am a dancer, an athlete
i'm a musician, a writer
an outsider
"spill-off"
and happy, just the way i am
i am a one in a world of twos,
i am a seven in a world of tens
i reside in the nine in the afternoon
and i believe in famous last words
i'm a musical theatre nerd
and i'm a headbanger
i am me
how it should be
and how it's going to stay.

monday

soft
they whisper
and tell me it's alright
sweet floating angels sing
they tell me i am broken
but they will fix me

he holds me close,
and i don't feel pain or worry
i release and i tell myself that i am broken
but he will fix me
angel or not

there are no more whispers,
except for the wind
ending too fast
praying it will last
heartbreak and handgrenades
and we are all lost in the rubble
struggling to breathe
struggling to leave
wisk him away

i am broken,
though i am full,
i am unusual
and no lone loves and outisder
who could love me, too?
no one will
and so i cry
and stare at the rain
i wasn't supposed to cry
but my shivers reveal my pain
i am simply here to die
i'm sorry i was never perfect

i can;t hear my angels,
my screaming drowns them away
i am not alright
and the world is not fair
i can't help but wonder if it's true
i won't return
my lessons learned
i refused to learn them again
i will not hurt again
i will not cry for him
so what if he doesn't want me?
so what if i'm not beautiful enough for him?

if my body clings to itself, you can't tell i'm crying
i could be laughing at the joke you told her
i could be cold, because my heart has finally spread
i could be insane
you wouldn't bother to figure out why

maybe i'm just lonely
maybe i liked it
maybe i thought for a split second that you loved me
maybe i was wrong
maybe i miss you
maybe i wish you were here
maybe i'll wish you the best
maybe i just hate feeling like a fool
maybe it was supposed to be this way
maybe

but you'll never know
these are just maybes after all
fragments
possibilities
chances

wishes.

Primavera

a game of sorrows
of dancing fingers and candle light
slow me up, now,
hurt in my vision

if i am right,
if magic is not enough to keep what you have
to forget a chance,
forget romance,
it's not worth it.

exactly, i reply, though to what
i am uncertain
pressure rises,
your fingers in my hair
the world is swirling
and i'm dizzy as im crying

i'm flying
down the spiral staircase
and it feels fine
but you tell me
no
that i do not know
for i am weak and small
and not good enough

in your castle, dear,
no one is lonely,
but no one is loved

so is the way in switchblades and forked tongues
of dirty players and muddy thinkers
and girls with their mouths taped shut
i know
i am one of them
this is how he made me, and how i will be
victorious and strong
and terribly wise
and cruel
and unforgiving
and
perfect

Fly

take my sorrows
take my anger
and take my soul
there are no uses for them, now
look at me.
the quiet girl you thought you knew
hesitant, but strong
can you remember that time, when we were both so alive?
is it a memory,
or a regret?
a release,
or a relapse?
see my soul through these faded colors

there is a light on the mirror,
that i do not see,
but hear
a light, a fire in your eyes
as you hold me close
and tell me 'i love you'
i'm beautiful, dear
and that's all that ever mattered
the puzzle collapses in on itself
and i can't see you now
your light is gone,
expect for a daunting reflection above my heart

prompted to shatter.

Cold. Breathtakingly cold.
My thoughts shiver down my spine in the awkward october air, as i clutch my arms close to me. the unrelenting rock digs into my skin, as i lay a finger against another, not making a sound, but sending an explosion through my synapses. it fades quickly, as the puncture wounds dominate my world once more. my head, my side, and my stomach. My stomach.
i let out a small whimper as the blood trickles slowly onto the grey rock. the gold of my rings glints in the dim light of the shimming wounds the cries of hatred still echoing in my ears. warm, and familiar, the rubies great me with a somber smile. they fade with me.
a drop of water runs down my face. an uncontrollable tear, i presume, but another hits my waist. rain. it comes in waves, now, stealing away my every nerve it's intertwining rivers. waterfalls and great lakes disintegrating me, stealing my drifting soil to coat the bottom of their abode. It doesn't hurt, not much. not yet. my skin opens up to the oxygen around me. the blood is gone, the skin is gone, the life is gone. i am gone, nothing left of me but bones and slivers of gold, wrapped in my fingers.

a 1 in 6 chance at everything.

I. i didn't love you and you didn't love
you loved me, but you never told
i loved you, but i never said.
then i loved you, but you didn't love me.
you
loved
her.
i loved you,
and she loved you,
and you loved her.
And i love her.
i'll let you love her now.

II. I am the girl you look at
who you smile at
who you wave at
i am the girl everyone thought was perfectly happy.
a bit of normalcy amongst my odd friends
a break from the
black
and the bruises
and the blood.
i am the girl
but not the girl you knew
i am not the girl who was perfectly happy
i am the girl who was an impecable actress.

it's not a mask.
i don't need a mask to fool
everyone else, when i've
already fooled myself.


III. baffled and corrected
deciphered and destroyed
examined and failed
grabbed and hated
ingored and insinuated
jaded and liberated
manipulated and nauseated
ostracized and petrified
reducated and remediated
suffocated and transformed
underrated and vindicated
weathered and watched
young, and excommunicated.

IV.
I wish for the disease i've been taught to fear
i listen to the voices i'm told i'm not supposed to hear

i sharpen my nails against my skin
and wonder what a mess i've gotten myself in

i grab at my excess
and pray for sweet sucess

i hold onto my breath
and let time do the rest

V. i've drawn my lines
i built my walls
i burned my bridges
i stopped my voice
i've kept them out

i've hurt myself
i've torn at my skin
i've wrapped my fingers around my neck
i've stuffed myself full
i don't feel the other pain

i've written my memoirs
i've told my stories
i've cried my tears
i've changed my mind
but my memoirs are written in blood

i've ended my second chances
i've told you how i did not feel
i've told them what i did not know
i've asked for things i did not want
because i didn't deserve second chances to begin with

VI. there are some things i ought to say
i ought to tell him that song was for him
tell them who i really am
tell the tricks i've got up my sleeve
tell them that i worry
tell them i'm sorry i didn't fit in
tell them i care a hell of a lot more than it looks
tell them why i did that
tell her how much she's meant to me
tell her why i had to leave
tell her why i didn't tell her
tell him that i hate him more than words can say
tell them i want to take their bottles and throw them on the ground
tell him that i miss him
tell her that i miss her
tell him that i miss the way it used to feel
tell him i hate the way it feels now
tell them i regret what i did
tell that i'm only quet becayse i'm afraid of hate
tell them i'm only afraid of hate because i already hate myself enough
tell them that i don't need their pity, even when i ask for it
tell her that i don't want to, but i will any way
tell him that i'm trying, but i can't do it
tell them that i won't be able to do anything, ever again.
tell them
tell her
tell him
tell me
and tell you.
i ought to tell.