chronicles of an alchoholic

I. I was almost out
Out of the darkness
Out of the hole
But like every time I start to feel better
You grab me
You hold me
And you pull me back down

II. I want you to know
I want to tell you
I want to scream at you
At the top of my lungs
I want to scream
About how I hate you
How you need to change
How I am constantly surprised by your ability to drink
How you’ve made my life hell,
And not even realized it.

III. I want silently creep,
In the middle of the night
Out to our garage
I want to crash the car you shouldn’t be able to drive
I want to unplug the dingy fridge from it’s socket,
And let your frozen heart thaw out for once
I want to smash every single one of the bottles
See the pieces scatter, shatter like me,
Every time you take a sip
I want to drag the glass across my skin
So you know what happens when you do something stupid.
People get hurt.

IV. Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me
Not yell
Profanities, white noise, against dark ears
Not sulk
Your Hippocratic teachings making my head spin
And not
Not
Never
Remain silent
A cold-edged silence that doesn’t let me in
I knock on the door that leads to forgiveness,
But I merely get eyes,
Staring at me through the window panes,
Expecting,
When I have nothing to give

V. You’d think it would be easier than this
To watch
To observe
To ignore
The senseless suicide of a soul crying out for help
It should be easier
It’s not happening to me, after all.
It’s not my fault
I can’t stop it
It should be easy
I shouldn’t feel this regret
But my body feeds on it
I should be able to breathe
But I’m choking on the words I can’t bring myself to say
I should be like you
But I’m not.

VI. So what is this, I ask?
A requiem, of a broken soul?
A eulogy, for time lost?
The last will and testament of a failing liver?
Of a failing heart?
A prayer, for a new beginning?
But beginnings are never knew
They only relapse
A hope, that perhaps the light will return to your eyes?
But when all I have are broken matches,
What is the use of hope?
If it is not a requiem, that would require remorse,
If it is not a beginning, that would require starting over
Then what is this?
Perhaps they are but only my thoughts.