I. I was almost out
Out of the darkness
Out of the hole
But like every time I start to feel better
You grab me
You hold me
And you pull me back down
II. I want you to know
I want to tell you
I want to scream at you
At the top of my lungs
I want to scream
About how I hate you
How you need to change
How I am constantly surprised by your ability to drink
How you’ve made my life hell,
And not even realized it.
III. I want silently creep,
In the middle of the night
Out to our garage
I want to crash the car you shouldn’t be able to drive
I want to unplug the dingy fridge from it’s socket,
And let your frozen heart thaw out for once
I want to smash every single one of the bottles
See the pieces scatter, shatter like me,
Every time you take a sip
I want to drag the glass across my skin
So you know what happens when you do something stupid.
People get hurt.
IV. Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me
Not yell
Profanities, white noise, against dark ears
Not sulk
Your Hippocratic teachings making my head spin
And not
Not
Never
Remain silent
A cold-edged silence that doesn’t let me in
I knock on the door that leads to forgiveness,
But I merely get eyes,
Staring at me through the window panes,
Expecting,
When I have nothing to give
V. You’d think it would be easier than this
To watch
To observe
To ignore
The senseless suicide of a soul crying out for help
It should be easier
It’s not happening to me, after all.
It’s not my fault
I can’t stop it
It should be easy
I shouldn’t feel this regret
But my body feeds on it
I should be able to breathe
But I’m choking on the words I can’t bring myself to say
I should be like you
But I’m not.
VI. So what is this, I ask?
A requiem, of a broken soul?
A eulogy, for time lost?
The last will and testament of a failing liver?
Of a failing heart?
A prayer, for a new beginning?
But beginnings are never knew
They only relapse
A hope, that perhaps the light will return to your eyes?
But when all I have are broken matches,
What is the use of hope?
If it is not a requiem, that would require remorse,
If it is not a beginning, that would require starting over
Then what is this?
Perhaps they are but only my thoughts.
19.3.10
Mothers
Fathers
Sisters
Brothers
Children.
And for what?
Birthing sons,
To be put into graves
That cry out from holy spaces,
“Where is the comrade, I left behind?”
mothers, dress your baby boys
in patterns, striped, and shimmering solids.
Dressing them every morning,
Teaching them to dress themselves in the black dust of expectation.
What’s the matter,
When we are merely dressing them up in angels wings?
Not yet.
But soon, they will be left.
Left in hospital beds,
Told,
There’s nothing more we can do.
Left, in the hands of the deep black creature
That swallows many, and breathes fire for the glory
Never to be remembered
Never to be forgotten
Pieces of who we are,
Who we used to be.
Left scarred and broken,
Left reminding yourself every day of only one thing
Being left
The clatter of scrip still ringing in your aching fingers.
Fathers
Sisters
Brothers
Children.
And for what?
Birthing sons,
To be put into graves
That cry out from holy spaces,
“Where is the comrade, I left behind?”
mothers, dress your baby boys
in patterns, striped, and shimmering solids.
Dressing them every morning,
Teaching them to dress themselves in the black dust of expectation.
What’s the matter,
When we are merely dressing them up in angels wings?
Not yet.
But soon, they will be left.
Left in hospital beds,
Told,
There’s nothing more we can do.
Left, in the hands of the deep black creature
That swallows many, and breathes fire for the glory
Never to be remembered
Never to be forgotten
Pieces of who we are,
Who we used to be.
Left scarred and broken,
Left reminding yourself every day of only one thing
Being left
The clatter of scrip still ringing in your aching fingers.
1.3.10
this is not my eleventh song
i miss you
i miss your...everything
i miss that time
when i could look at you
and only see
your
angel
wings
i miss those nights
we spent
under the crescent moon
and i
i miss your
i love you
and i'll
see
you
soon
but the clock just keeps on turning
and the world just keeps on burning
in
my
head
and i know my head is reeling
and i can't help what i'm feeling
and i
can't
make it
end
it's like heaving it all, then losing it all
it's like taking chances, then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders
its
blue clouds on a sunny day
its
never saying what you want to say
its
never knowing
where i'm going
without you to lead me
i miss you
but i'm so confused
like
where did you go,
on that
rainy afternoon?
i miss you
and the way we used to be
i miss your eyes
when it
didn't hurt you
to look at me
and i know i'm not that young, now
and i made it through it somehow
and figured out what life was supposed to be
and i know that life changes fast
and i know i can't change the past
but, honey,
would you change for me?
it's like having it all,
then losing it all
it's like taking chances,
then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders.
it's
blue clouds, on a sunny day
and
never saying what you wanna say
it's never knowing
where you're going
without you to lead me
tell me, honey, why did you, just give up?
was it that you didn't love me enough?
i'm missing you, though i see you every day
i'm missing the man, that time took away
and there's a moment
when your eyes meet mine
that i know you're prepared
to leave everything behind
it's having it all,
then losing it all
it's taking chances,
then taking the long, long fall
it's the weight of the world, upon my bare shoulders
it's rain clouds, on my sunny day
it's the time that got away
it's never knowing
where i need to be going
because, you won't lead me.
because you don't need me
i miss your...everything
i miss that time
when i could look at you
and only see
your
angel
wings
i miss those nights
we spent
under the crescent moon
and i
i miss your
i love you
and i'll
see
you
soon
but the clock just keeps on turning
and the world just keeps on burning
in
my
head
and i know my head is reeling
and i can't help what i'm feeling
and i
can't
make it
end
it's like heaving it all, then losing it all
it's like taking chances, then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders
its
blue clouds on a sunny day
its
never saying what you want to say
its
never knowing
where i'm going
without you to lead me
i miss you
but i'm so confused
like
where did you go,
on that
rainy afternoon?
i miss you
and the way we used to be
i miss your eyes
when it
didn't hurt you
to look at me
and i know i'm not that young, now
and i made it through it somehow
and figured out what life was supposed to be
and i know that life changes fast
and i know i can't change the past
but, honey,
would you change for me?
it's like having it all,
then losing it all
it's like taking chances,
then taking a fall
it's
the weight of the world upon your shoulders.
it's
blue clouds, on a sunny day
and
never saying what you wanna say
it's never knowing
where you're going
without you to lead me
tell me, honey, why did you, just give up?
was it that you didn't love me enough?
i'm missing you, though i see you every day
i'm missing the man, that time took away
and there's a moment
when your eyes meet mine
that i know you're prepared
to leave everything behind
it's having it all,
then losing it all
it's taking chances,
then taking the long, long fall
it's the weight of the world, upon my bare shoulders
it's rain clouds, on my sunny day
it's the time that got away
it's never knowing
where i need to be going
because, you won't lead me.
because you don't need me
15.2.10
counting numbers
It’s been 212 days since I’ve seen your face
It been 213 days since I’ve seen you smile
It’s been 225 day since you told me you loved me
It’s been 248 days since you meant it
It’s been 1 day since I’ve wanted to see you
It’s been 1 month since you wanted to see me
It’s been 1 year, 2 months, 2 weeks, and four days since we met
It’s been 2 years since I graduated
It’s been 2 weeks since I earned it
It’s been 4 years without unicorns
And it’s been a year and a half without hope
It’s been 4 years since we moved in together
It’s been three and a half years since we started living together
It’s been 232 says since your voice kissed mine in perfect harmony
It’s been 219 days since I laughed at your jokes
It’s been a lifetime since we knew each other
It’s been 525, 600 minutes since I left
It’s been 525, 575 minutes since I came back.
It’s been 168 hours since I cried over you
It’s been 5900 minutes since I grew up
It’s been a lot of wasted time since then
It’s been a minute since I thought about calling you
It’s been 30 seconds since I told her not to.
It’s been a long time.
It’s been too long.
It been 213 days since I’ve seen you smile
It’s been 225 day since you told me you loved me
It’s been 248 days since you meant it
It’s been 1 day since I’ve wanted to see you
It’s been 1 month since you wanted to see me
It’s been 1 year, 2 months, 2 weeks, and four days since we met
It’s been 2 years since I graduated
It’s been 2 weeks since I earned it
It’s been 4 years without unicorns
And it’s been a year and a half without hope
It’s been 4 years since we moved in together
It’s been three and a half years since we started living together
It’s been 232 says since your voice kissed mine in perfect harmony
It’s been 219 days since I laughed at your jokes
It’s been a lifetime since we knew each other
It’s been 525, 600 minutes since I left
It’s been 525, 575 minutes since I came back.
It’s been 168 hours since I cried over you
It’s been 5900 minutes since I grew up
It’s been a lot of wasted time since then
It’s been a minute since I thought about calling you
It’s been 30 seconds since I told her not to.
It’s been a long time.
It’s been too long.
...like it matters
She tells me you don’t love her
But is she merely trying
To keep me from breaking down
Keeping me from crying
And it sucks, ‘cause they’re saying
“They’re so cute!”
if I’m not gonna win,
can I finally lose?
TAG: And I’m only dreaming
My head foggy, my head reeling
Wish I’d never met you
Wish I never forget you
Tougher, and tougher, to remain smiling, still
I can’t, and I shouldn’t, but I know that I will
Nod, and laugh, like there is nothing wrong
And pretend it hasn’t hurt me all along
She’ll make you happy,
She make you smile,
God, you’re so sappy
But all the while
I’ll be here, wishing
That I could take her place
That when I woke up every morning,
I got to see your smiling face
-TAG-
First love, first crush, and first romance,
Stuck in a dream, stuck in this trance
I’m tired of talking like we still have a chance,
Cause I know when it comes down to it,
She’ll have the last dance
-TAG-
But is she merely trying
To keep me from breaking down
Keeping me from crying
And it sucks, ‘cause they’re saying
“They’re so cute!”
if I’m not gonna win,
can I finally lose?
TAG: And I’m only dreaming
My head foggy, my head reeling
Wish I’d never met you
Wish I never forget you
Tougher, and tougher, to remain smiling, still
I can’t, and I shouldn’t, but I know that I will
Nod, and laugh, like there is nothing wrong
And pretend it hasn’t hurt me all along
She’ll make you happy,
She make you smile,
God, you’re so sappy
But all the while
I’ll be here, wishing
That I could take her place
That when I woke up every morning,
I got to see your smiling face
-TAG-
First love, first crush, and first romance,
Stuck in a dream, stuck in this trance
I’m tired of talking like we still have a chance,
Cause I know when it comes down to it,
She’ll have the last dance
-TAG-
20.1.10
Innerkriege & Giochi Capi:
In the heart of mistakes and reinvention,
I find you
I whisper a silent confession
As I make my exit, into the flurry
Your face, haunting, in my back vision
Shred of condensation
Trickles on my cheek
Down my mask
Impairments
His hand is silver,
Cast in black glove
His skin is ivory
Cast in iron lies
I can’t remember what it felt like
To live without fear
I can’t even remember what it felt like
To be held dear
And I hear the music
And it whispers in my ear,
We dance a silver waltz of murder,
As the end of lives draw near
You were everything I ever needed
He was everything you’d ever feared
I did all you ever warned me not
The lights of the ballroom swirl around me
The happy dearests dance about me
A flash of your face,
A flash of his
And I don’t try to hold on
Though I see your face,
As I plunge to the floor,
It is only his when I awake
The music silenced,
The sanity questioned,
The room halted
The air loosened
He helps me to my feet,
Lead me to the gazebo,
Amongst shining candle lights
And broken promises
For a moment, he holds me
For a moment, the music is in our heads,
And we are waltzing to the time of our broken hearts
He smiles
As I lean on him
And he leans on me
His hand leaves the small of my back
And for a moment, I do not know why
The next moment, I know full well
And it is far too late
Dark prince in glittering shadows
Slit my throat with silver dagger
Look me in the eye, and tell me you do not love me
Look me in the face, and tell me this is not your fault
But he does not
He continues to smile,
Kneels by my broken body,
And whispers, once, in a tongue too sweet
Onda arrivederci, bella princessa
In a moment, your eyes are gone,
The music silent, forever,
And I hear your footsteps.
The only true knight in shining armor,
The sole true love, that was not love
That was not for lust, nor bloodlust
But for companionship, and place to call one’s home
you sit beside me, now,
and you hold my hand
I wipe your tears,
As you tell me to hold on
I tell you, no
Wounds don’t heal on their own
You won’t wish me farewell,
As my heartbeat slows
Vergessen sie mich nicht
I plead, as I cough through torture in transformation
Your voice is the last thing I hear,
Before leaving forever,
Whispering softly
Nie.
16.1.10
who am i?
who am i?
you ask me
a million things come to mind
i am my mother's daughter,
my brother's sister,
and a friend to all my friends
i am a dreamer, in a wide-awake world
i am a juggler, not of flaming torches,
but of family, friends, and classes
i am a girl stuck in the middle
and i make my fair share of mistakes
i am a reader
a believer
a singer
a song
i am an organized mess
a pessimistic optimist
i am a dancer, an athlete
i'm a musician, a writer
an outsider
"spill-off"
and happy, just the way i am
i am a one in a world of twos,
i am a seven in a world of tens
i reside in the nine in the afternoon
and i believe in famous last words
i'm a musical theatre nerd
and i'm a headbanger
i am me
how it should be
and how it's going to stay.
you ask me
a million things come to mind
i am my mother's daughter,
my brother's sister,
and a friend to all my friends
i am a dreamer, in a wide-awake world
i am a juggler, not of flaming torches,
but of family, friends, and classes
i am a girl stuck in the middle
and i make my fair share of mistakes
i am a reader
a believer
a singer
a song
i am an organized mess
a pessimistic optimist
i am a dancer, an athlete
i'm a musician, a writer
an outsider
"spill-off"
and happy, just the way i am
i am a one in a world of twos,
i am a seven in a world of tens
i reside in the nine in the afternoon
and i believe in famous last words
i'm a musical theatre nerd
and i'm a headbanger
i am me
how it should be
and how it's going to stay.
monday
soft
they whisper
and tell me it's alright
sweet floating angels sing
they tell me i am broken
but they will fix me
he holds me close,
and i don't feel pain or worry
i release and i tell myself that i am broken
but he will fix me
angel or not
there are no more whispers,
except for the wind
ending too fast
praying it will last
heartbreak and handgrenades
and we are all lost in the rubble
struggling to breathe
struggling to leave
wisk him away
i am broken,
though i am full,
i am unusual
and no lone loves and outisder
who could love me, too?
no one will
and so i cry
and stare at the rain
i wasn't supposed to cry
but my shivers reveal my pain
i am simply here to die
i'm sorry i was never perfect
i can;t hear my angels,
my screaming drowns them away
i am not alright
and the world is not fair
i can't help but wonder if it's true
i won't return
my lessons learned
i refused to learn them again
i will not hurt again
i will not cry for him
so what if he doesn't want me?
so what if i'm not beautiful enough for him?
if my body clings to itself, you can't tell i'm crying
i could be laughing at the joke you told her
i could be cold, because my heart has finally spread
i could be insane
you wouldn't bother to figure out why
maybe i'm just lonely
maybe i liked it
maybe i thought for a split second that you loved me
maybe i was wrong
maybe i miss you
maybe i wish you were here
maybe i'll wish you the best
maybe i just hate feeling like a fool
maybe it was supposed to be this way
maybe
but you'll never know
these are just maybes after all
fragments
possibilities
chances
wishes.
they whisper
and tell me it's alright
sweet floating angels sing
they tell me i am broken
but they will fix me
he holds me close,
and i don't feel pain or worry
i release and i tell myself that i am broken
but he will fix me
angel or not
there are no more whispers,
except for the wind
ending too fast
praying it will last
heartbreak and handgrenades
and we are all lost in the rubble
struggling to breathe
struggling to leave
wisk him away
i am broken,
though i am full,
i am unusual
and no lone loves and outisder
who could love me, too?
no one will
and so i cry
and stare at the rain
i wasn't supposed to cry
but my shivers reveal my pain
i am simply here to die
i'm sorry i was never perfect
i can;t hear my angels,
my screaming drowns them away
i am not alright
and the world is not fair
i can't help but wonder if it's true
i won't return
my lessons learned
i refused to learn them again
i will not hurt again
i will not cry for him
so what if he doesn't want me?
so what if i'm not beautiful enough for him?
if my body clings to itself, you can't tell i'm crying
i could be laughing at the joke you told her
i could be cold, because my heart has finally spread
i could be insane
you wouldn't bother to figure out why
maybe i'm just lonely
maybe i liked it
maybe i thought for a split second that you loved me
maybe i was wrong
maybe i miss you
maybe i wish you were here
maybe i'll wish you the best
maybe i just hate feeling like a fool
maybe it was supposed to be this way
maybe
but you'll never know
these are just maybes after all
fragments
possibilities
chances
wishes.
Primavera
a game of sorrows
of dancing fingers and candle light
slow me up, now,
hurt in my vision
if i am right,
if magic is not enough to keep what you have
to forget a chance,
forget romance,
it's not worth it.
exactly, i reply, though to what
i am uncertain
pressure rises,
your fingers in my hair
the world is swirling
and i'm dizzy as im crying
i'm flying
down the spiral staircase
and it feels fine
but you tell me
no
that i do not know
for i am weak and small
and not good enough
in your castle, dear,
no one is lonely,
but no one is loved
so is the way in switchblades and forked tongues
of dirty players and muddy thinkers
and girls with their mouths taped shut
i know
i am one of them
this is how he made me, and how i will be
victorious and strong
and terribly wise
and cruel
and unforgiving
and
perfect
of dancing fingers and candle light
slow me up, now,
hurt in my vision
if i am right,
if magic is not enough to keep what you have
to forget a chance,
forget romance,
it's not worth it.
exactly, i reply, though to what
i am uncertain
pressure rises,
your fingers in my hair
the world is swirling
and i'm dizzy as im crying
i'm flying
down the spiral staircase
and it feels fine
but you tell me
no
that i do not know
for i am weak and small
and not good enough
in your castle, dear,
no one is lonely,
but no one is loved
so is the way in switchblades and forked tongues
of dirty players and muddy thinkers
and girls with their mouths taped shut
i know
i am one of them
this is how he made me, and how i will be
victorious and strong
and terribly wise
and cruel
and unforgiving
and
perfect
Fly
take my sorrows
take my anger
and take my soul
there are no uses for them, now
look at me.
the quiet girl you thought you knew
hesitant, but strong
can you remember that time, when we were both so alive?
is it a memory,
or a regret?
a release,
or a relapse?
see my soul through these faded colors
there is a light on the mirror,
that i do not see,
but hear
a light, a fire in your eyes
as you hold me close
and tell me 'i love you'
i'm beautiful, dear
and that's all that ever mattered
the puzzle collapses in on itself
and i can't see you now
your light is gone,
expect for a daunting reflection above my heart
take my anger
and take my soul
there are no uses for them, now
look at me.
the quiet girl you thought you knew
hesitant, but strong
can you remember that time, when we were both so alive?
is it a memory,
or a regret?
a release,
or a relapse?
see my soul through these faded colors
there is a light on the mirror,
that i do not see,
but hear
a light, a fire in your eyes
as you hold me close
and tell me 'i love you'
i'm beautiful, dear
and that's all that ever mattered
the puzzle collapses in on itself
and i can't see you now
your light is gone,
expect for a daunting reflection above my heart
12.1.10
prompted to shatter.
Cold. Breathtakingly cold.
My thoughts shiver down my spine in the awkward october air, as i clutch my arms close to me. the unrelenting rock digs into my skin, as i lay a finger against another, not making a sound, but sending an explosion through my synapses. it fades quickly, as the puncture wounds dominate my world once more. my head, my side, and my stomach. My stomach.
i let out a small whimper as the blood trickles slowly onto the grey rock. the gold of my rings glints in the dim light of the shimming wounds the cries of hatred still echoing in my ears. warm, and familiar, the rubies great me with a somber smile. they fade with me.
a drop of water runs down my face. an uncontrollable tear, i presume, but another hits my waist. rain. it comes in waves, now, stealing away my every nerve it's intertwining rivers. waterfalls and great lakes disintegrating me, stealing my drifting soil to coat the bottom of their abode. It doesn't hurt, not much. not yet. my skin opens up to the oxygen around me. the blood is gone, the skin is gone, the life is gone. i am gone, nothing left of me but bones and slivers of gold, wrapped in my fingers.
My thoughts shiver down my spine in the awkward october air, as i clutch my arms close to me. the unrelenting rock digs into my skin, as i lay a finger against another, not making a sound, but sending an explosion through my synapses. it fades quickly, as the puncture wounds dominate my world once more. my head, my side, and my stomach. My stomach.
i let out a small whimper as the blood trickles slowly onto the grey rock. the gold of my rings glints in the dim light of the shimming wounds the cries of hatred still echoing in my ears. warm, and familiar, the rubies great me with a somber smile. they fade with me.
a drop of water runs down my face. an uncontrollable tear, i presume, but another hits my waist. rain. it comes in waves, now, stealing away my every nerve it's intertwining rivers. waterfalls and great lakes disintegrating me, stealing my drifting soil to coat the bottom of their abode. It doesn't hurt, not much. not yet. my skin opens up to the oxygen around me. the blood is gone, the skin is gone, the life is gone. i am gone, nothing left of me but bones and slivers of gold, wrapped in my fingers.
3.1.10
a 1 in 6 chance at everything.
I. i didn't love you and you didn't love
you loved me, but you never told
i loved you, but i never said.
then i loved you, but you didn't love me.
you
loved
her.
i loved you,
and she loved you,
and you loved her.
And i love her.
i'll let you love her now.
II. I am the girl you look at
who you smile at
who you wave at
i am the girl everyone thought was perfectly happy.
a bit of normalcy amongst my odd friends
a break from the
black
and the bruises
and the blood.
i am the girl
but not the girl you knew
i am not the girl who was perfectly happy
i am the girl who was an impecable actress.
it's not a mask.
i don't need a mask to fool
everyone else, when i've
already fooled myself.
III. baffled and corrected
deciphered and destroyed
examined and failed
grabbed and hated
ingored and insinuated
jaded and liberated
manipulated and nauseated
ostracized and petrified
reducated and remediated
suffocated and transformed
underrated and vindicated
weathered and watched
young, and excommunicated.
IV.
I wish for the disease i've been taught to fear
i listen to the voices i'm told i'm not supposed to hear
i sharpen my nails against my skin
and wonder what a mess i've gotten myself in
i grab at my excess
and pray for sweet sucess
i hold onto my breath
and let time do the rest
V. i've drawn my lines
i built my walls
i burned my bridges
i stopped my voice
i've kept them out
i've hurt myself
i've torn at my skin
i've wrapped my fingers around my neck
i've stuffed myself full
i don't feel the other pain
i've written my memoirs
i've told my stories
i've cried my tears
i've changed my mind
but my memoirs are written in blood
i've ended my second chances
i've told you how i did not feel
i've told them what i did not know
i've asked for things i did not want
because i didn't deserve second chances to begin with
VI. there are some things i ought to say
i ought to tell him that song was for him
tell them who i really am
tell the tricks i've got up my sleeve
tell them that i worry
tell them i'm sorry i didn't fit in
tell them i care a hell of a lot more than it looks
tell them why i did that
tell her how much she's meant to me
tell her why i had to leave
tell her why i didn't tell her
tell him that i hate him more than words can say
tell them i want to take their bottles and throw them on the ground
tell him that i miss him
tell her that i miss her
tell him that i miss the way it used to feel
tell him i hate the way it feels now
tell them i regret what i did
tell that i'm only quet becayse i'm afraid of hate
tell them i'm only afraid of hate because i already hate myself enough
tell them that i don't need their pity, even when i ask for it
tell her that i don't want to, but i will any way
tell him that i'm trying, but i can't do it
tell them that i won't be able to do anything, ever again.
tell them
tell her
tell him
tell me
and tell you.
i ought to tell.
you loved me, but you never told
i loved you, but i never said.
then i loved you, but you didn't love me.
you
loved
her.
i loved you,
and she loved you,
and you loved her.
And i love her.
i'll let you love her now.
II. I am the girl you look at
who you smile at
who you wave at
i am the girl everyone thought was perfectly happy.
a bit of normalcy amongst my odd friends
a break from the
black
and the bruises
and the blood.
i am the girl
but not the girl you knew
i am not the girl who was perfectly happy
i am the girl who was an impecable actress.
it's not a mask.
i don't need a mask to fool
everyone else, when i've
already fooled myself.
III. baffled and corrected
deciphered and destroyed
examined and failed
grabbed and hated
ingored and insinuated
jaded and liberated
manipulated and nauseated
ostracized and petrified
reducated and remediated
suffocated and transformed
underrated and vindicated
weathered and watched
young, and excommunicated.
IV.
I wish for the disease i've been taught to fear
i listen to the voices i'm told i'm not supposed to hear
i sharpen my nails against my skin
and wonder what a mess i've gotten myself in
i grab at my excess
and pray for sweet sucess
i hold onto my breath
and let time do the rest
V. i've drawn my lines
i built my walls
i burned my bridges
i stopped my voice
i've kept them out
i've hurt myself
i've torn at my skin
i've wrapped my fingers around my neck
i've stuffed myself full
i don't feel the other pain
i've written my memoirs
i've told my stories
i've cried my tears
i've changed my mind
but my memoirs are written in blood
i've ended my second chances
i've told you how i did not feel
i've told them what i did not know
i've asked for things i did not want
because i didn't deserve second chances to begin with
VI. there are some things i ought to say
i ought to tell him that song was for him
tell them who i really am
tell the tricks i've got up my sleeve
tell them that i worry
tell them i'm sorry i didn't fit in
tell them i care a hell of a lot more than it looks
tell them why i did that
tell her how much she's meant to me
tell her why i had to leave
tell her why i didn't tell her
tell him that i hate him more than words can say
tell them i want to take their bottles and throw them on the ground
tell him that i miss him
tell her that i miss her
tell him that i miss the way it used to feel
tell him i hate the way it feels now
tell them i regret what i did
tell that i'm only quet becayse i'm afraid of hate
tell them i'm only afraid of hate because i already hate myself enough
tell them that i don't need their pity, even when i ask for it
tell her that i don't want to, but i will any way
tell him that i'm trying, but i can't do it
tell them that i won't be able to do anything, ever again.
tell them
tell her
tell him
tell me
and tell you.
i ought to tell.
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